I have been dreaming of a big car for years now. Three, maybe four. Each year I would tell myself that if I saved just that much more this year, I would buy a fancy car next year. Each year I found a reason to delay gratification.
This year finally my old car has begun giving trouble. I am compelled to buy a new car. I test drive all the fancy ones I can think of, analyze financing options, read all reviews I can google. Finally I go ahead and buy - the most value for money car. The vehicle for the mass market. Effectively postponing my dream for a few more years. Why is this? Buying a reasonably expensive car won't put me in penury. It won't make me think twice before living like I already do - buying the stuff I do or eating at the places I want or going for the holidays I do. Why then this hesitation to splurge?
I think I define security by the money I have been able to salt away. Not for me confidence in my abilities to struggle along. Not for me a belief in tomorrow. I live and die by my excel sheet which tracks, super methodically, my finances. This is pathetic. Unfortunate, but true. I know of few people who are as systematic about this thing. Perhaps this is good. Perhaps my future will be nice and comfortable, or my kids will live well.
Or perhaps they won't care. Perhaps they won't want my money. Perhaps I will be too old to enjoy anything but sunlight and free television. Perhaps I will die reasonably young. All this will be for nothing. A waste.
Can I change my thinking? Or is it too late?